What is Trust
How many times have you said to a friend “I just don’t trust him/her”?
It isn't always easy to understand why we do and we don't trust another person.
Brené Brown, well-known research professor from the University of Houston, and public speaker, had thought about the concept of Trust often. However, it really hit home for her when her daughter came home one day in the 3rd grade, incredibly upset.
Through her tears she told her mom that something hard had happened at school and during recess she had confided in a couple of friends. Back in the classroom after the break, her ‘friends’ had already told the whole class, who all turned on her, laughing and jeering.
The class teacher kept a jar of marbles which was known as an accountability jar. If the pupils worked well, made good choices and collectively did their best, the teacher put marbles in. Similarly, when bad choices were made, and the kids behaved poorly, marbles were taken out. A full jar would be a cause for celebration. Bad behaviour however would result in marbles being taken out of the jar, in this case the classroom was making so much noise the teacher threatened to remove the marbles.
Brené’s daughter said she would never trust anyone again, and at the time Brené could see her point.
As Brené started looking at the data, she realised that
Trust is different for everyone.
You might really trust your boss because they always remember important, personal things you have told them, for example, they check in with you about your sick parent.
Or you might trust your neighbour because you know she will mind your child at short notice. Many people feel that those who turn up at a funeral are worthy of their trust.
So, it seems that for many of us, trust is made up of small—but important—moments. And these moments (or actions) are like the marbles in the marble jar.
Brené feels that Charles Feltman, provides a profound definition of Trust in his book The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work.
“Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else”.
Distrust is: “What I have shared with you that is important to me, is not safe with you”.
Brené realized that trust is like those marbles, and it is made up of many small parts. Because trust is such a vast concept with many variables, Brené Brown decided to break it down into seven elements. Each an equally important component of trust.
So the next time you feel you don’t trust someone and or yourself, but aren’t sure why, perhaps the acronym BRAVING will help:
B.R.A.V.I.N.G
Boundaries –
“I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and you respect mine.”
Reliability –
“I can only trust you if you do what you say you will. And not just once.”
At work this means knowing your limitations and not taking on more than you can deliver. In your personal life it means not promising to call someone to arrange to meet, if you know you simply won’t have time or energy.
Accountability –
“I can trust you, if when you make a mistake you are willing to own it, apologize and make amends. I can only trust you if I can do the same.”
Vault –
“What I share with you, you will hold in confidence.”
Brené highlights something further about the Vault – this place to share confidences safely – that if a friend gossips about a mutual friend, this is a clear indication that he/she is probably not very good at keeping your secrets safe either. This leads to distrust as well.
Integrity –
“I cannot trust you if you don’t act from a place of integrity.”
This means choosing courage over comfort, what’s right over what’s fast and easy, and practising your values not just talking about them.
Non-judgement –
“I can fall apart and ask for help and not be judged, and I will do the same for you.”
Importantly here: this is very much about allowing yourself to ask for help. If you are hard on yourself for being ‘weak’ and needing help, you are likely to be judgemental of others needing your help too.
Generosity –
“Our relationship is only trusting if you can assume the most generous things about me when I say something wrong or make a mistake.”
For example, says Brené, if your friend forgets to call you on an important date (an anniversary of a parent’s death) you will assume they forgot and that they care about you. And you can let them know, with generosity, and they would do the same for you.
BRAVING can also be very useful for self-trust. Brene Brown says it is vital that we look at our own actions through the BRAVING lens.
For how are we to trust others if we can’t trust ourselves?
