I am sitting here at my wall... I have a blank page in front of me, wanting to nurture you with some profound wisdom, to inspire you to see the possibilities in your life, to remind you that no matter what the pain and loss you have experienced, that you have a choice in how you rise from your loss.
I could re-write the story I am about to share in many ways depending how or what I wish to take from it, that is the beauty of being our own narrator. And so, I will just write today, and see what arrives, and I will share a little bit about a time when I’ve had to rise up, in hope to hold our hand.
I was about 36, I had built a lovely cabin in the forest and was happily waiting for a mate to come play house with me and make a family. Instead, I was met by spirit whispering into my ear, “You will be pregnant by October, but he may not stay”.
It was September and I was surprised, hesitant and curious to meet my baby’s dady... which I did.
Sure enough we met, and I fell in love. More to the truth, I let myself love him. I thought “what is the worst that could happen if I open my heart with abandon?!”
Well, a lot as it turns out! We had a three month relationship whereby I conceived within the first few weeks together. I was thrilled, and at the same time I was haunted by warning bells about this man. Unfortunately my need to be loved by another was greater than my self worth, and despite the red flags, I hung on for dear life desperate to prove I was enough. … He left when I miscarried, and he took my savings with him.
I cannot tell you how common this theme is in women’s lives... And, it does not ever make it easier. I felt so deeply betrayed that I had opened my home, my health, my womb, and my heart to this man…and it turned out I was one of many people he had done this to.
I was a victim to his actions, but I kept myself there, I kept wondering why me, why I was a fool, not lucky enough to be a mum, not enough to be loved... there were many voices attacking me and very few holding me with compassion. I continued to be a victim until I was able to move past the shock, past the desire for revenge, and into the shame and heart ache I felt at being abandoned, and betrayed.
The truth is, it happened and it was terribly painful, the suffering continued however, because I made meaning from the story which kept me a victim.
A miscarriage alone is a hard and isolating experience. All of my fears were triggered (health, money, safety abandonment, not loveable, not enough… the list went on!).
The shock, the fear and the loss, they were all real… but the deepest pain, the pain that took me years to unravel, was what I made this whole thing mean about me… It was in freeing my internal dialogue that brought me into the arms of forgiveness and acceptance.
His action didn’t make me unlovable, it didn’t even prove it. I have carried a story inside me for years which feared I wasn’t worthy of being loved, that I wasn’t enough. His choices triggered those fears and brought them forward like a tsunami… and I was left swimming in my own internal shame.
Finally when I stopped struggling, I was able to turn around and hold my heart with the greatest tenderness, presence and kindness I'd only ever longed for.
I let myself grieve my spirit baby, I found ritual, I shared my story, I recognized anniversaries and most importantly, I lifted the veil of shame that i had mistakenly carried - there was nothing wrong with me.
As I sit down and work with clients who share the struggles and suffering, I am left holding their heart, supporting their grief, anger, loss and worth.
Here are a few questions you may find value in, most importantly remember that you do not need to be fixed, only the mistaken belief that you are broke.
What is your story with trust/ betrayal?
What is does it feel like you have lost? What did they take from you? Eg trust, belonging, innocence, my voice, etc.
What do you need to forgive yourself for in this? What red flags, intuition or self knowing was ignored?
What does this loss prevent you from experiencing in the world?
How has this loss made you think about yourself?
What could you do/choose differently to feel safe in future relationships?
What would you like to take back from them that you feel that they took?
If what happened doesn't define your worth, what would be true about you?